Old wounds..

So i was talking with a friend the other day.. We started talking about our childhoods. To say the least neither was all rays of sunshine. We are grown women and of course we have dealt with those things as we have grown but what about the wounds that that conversation opened up? I was never close with my mom as a kid and even more so as a teenager. We had a tattered relationship during my teen years. I never really talked about it to anyone till the other day.. The day my mom left was the worst day of my life. Id never felt so alone. I was left to care for my little brothers and my dad. I was a young tender age of 11 years old. My youngest brother was to little to remember and of course i was the most affected. I didnt realize how much till the other day. For a very very long time I held this lack of judgement against my mom and very strongly disliked her.. Hated her actually. I dont remember when it happend im sure it was along the time of having my first baby and needing her but the hate went away. I still talked to her tried to rebuild the relationship but during my teen years i wanted nothing to do with her. I never felt close to her and even more so after this. Im a grown woman now and have my own two little girls that i love to the bottom of the earth and back but what if someday a lack in judgement on my part makes one of them hate me? Have i passed on the feeling of not being able to trust anyone and the feeling of regret when they are older? Its to this day very hard for me to trust anyone. I often find myself becoming attached to "motherly" figures. Bosses older friends etc. Is this all because my mom basically abandoned me? The way that time in my life shaped my life i may never know but i do know that the conversation i had with my friend really opened up some wounds, brought some questions to my mind and made me feel incredibly lost. I know life, love, parenting is all hard. I know that. But when you dont know who you are it makes it alot harder. My friend brought up "what kind of message" was placed in me when that happend. Honestly i have no idea. The only thing I do know is that I will never do that to my kids. There are times yes that i want to just run away from it all and be free and rich and not be attached at the heart to someone else. But I could never do it. Dont get me wrong I love my husband to pieces I couldnt imagine my life without him. But what if? What if i hadnt met him and i went on with my life in the way that was in my plan of being single and kidless and become this work aholic that lives in a stuido apartment in the city? How would my relationship with my mother be now? Its def differant now that im an adult and have my own kids. I love her now. I love to go visit her and I love that its not a struggle to try to build a relationship. I love that we are more like friends. Which is ok. That is 100 percent times better than having a relationship that is at the very least fake. A struggle to make work. Questionable. I never question the love my mom has for me and my family. I dont struggle to pick up the phone to call her just to tell her something one of the kids did that day that was cute or funny or something only she would appreciate. Until the other day I really thought I had dealt with this. But have I really if I hadnt ever talked to anyone about it?

Starting to get my life back

Wow what a differance a week makes! Last week I was to exhausted to even consider going for a walk with my kids or goin to the park. Today I went on 2 walks! thats right TWO! AND we went to the playground! Being hypothyroid has changed my life and not in a way that i want to remember. I want to look ahead and the possibilities of what can happen now that I may possibly be on the right dosage of meds. Ive been on a new dose for 5 days now. thats right 5 days! and I tell you i havent felt as good as i feel right now (at almost bedtime i might ad) for a very long time! Last week had i walked as much as I did today i wouldnt be moving right now id be hurting so bad lol. I havent woke up exhausted the past couple of days. Ive gottin a normal 8 hours a night of sleep and have felt great! Im hoping to be able to start staying up alittle later and doing great! Or at the least getting up alittle earlier for my own quiet time. I played with my kids today at the playground that felt soo good! I cant even express how my quality of life has changed in a matter of DAYS! Im overly estatic and i hope it keeps on going and keeps on improving! heres to all those hypothyroids out there! it gets better! it really does! and if it doesnt talk to your dr!