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6 years ago......

6 years ago... on this evening I sit and reminice about where I was 6 years ago... We were at home. Excited and nervous about the upcoming day of induction and the birth of our first baby. A girl. Her name was going to be Kaytlyn Marie after her grammy (shirley kay) and her gramma (kelli lyn) and her momma (middle name marie). Little did we know how much our lives were about to change. She has taught us so much in this 6 years. The value of a word. The feeling of a broken heart. The feeling of a full of pride heart. We have had MANY MANY proud moments in this short time and more are to come. We have watched you grow from a little 6 lb 13 oz baby girl to a 4ft tall 6 year old. She has shown us that stubborness is freaking hard on the parents. Kaytlyn we will but heads, probably alot more than we mesh. You will give me a run for my money and are definately no match for the stubborness that you inherited from both your parents.. You got it from both sides. LUCKY you! But it is hard work for us lol.... If only I had known from the beginning that you would be a tough child.... if only.... I wasnt prepared for this. You are blossoming into a little girl that has a mind of her own... Lord help us. I love you sooooo much more than you will ever know. Someday you will appreciate the hard work ive put into raising you into a smart, respectful little person. YOu will do big things someday i can see it in your beautiful blue eyes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYTLYN! Cant belive your 6.

Dear Shirl

Dearest Shirl,
I havent wrote about you in awhile, but have no fear you are on my mind daily. Some days are harder and more tear filled than others. Some days there are more smiles and warm fuzzy feelings than others. Ive been dreaming of you lately. I looked up what it means and its my minds way of coping with your absense. I assure you, you are far from absent from my mind. I wish I could call and talk to you when the kids are making me crazy. :-) You always understood. Kaytlyn graduated kindergarten 2 weeks ago. But you knew that. Shes growing up so fast. Justine is blossoming into such a sweet little being. She loves to cuddle and loves to follow big sister. Kaytlyn can read and so of course Justine wants to read too. Its awesome to watch them. I wish you could be here. I wish you could hug the girls and give them kisses. They have had a hard 6 months already this year. There birthdays are mere days away and it just doesnt seem possible. 6 and 3... where did the time go. Ill never forget you being there when Kaytlyn was born... Something that will forever stick in my mind. I miss you more than you will ever know. We will be finally hanging up the swings for the girls in your tree next weekend for there birthdays. The birthdays wont be the same without your call... But we will get through it. We are loving our house. I cant even describe the feeling of accomplishmet we feel. Again wish you could be here. This journey we have embarked on with home ownership hasnt been the same as it would have been if we had you to share it with. Im sooooo very glad you got to see it happen tho. I miss you shirl.... SOooooo very much. I still tear up thinking of you. Songs make me think of you and of course cry. Breaks my heart to know ill never again take a picture of you with the girls to share with them when they ask about you... But i do have some to share with them. One thing ill cherish forever. The girls constantly are thinking of you still. Amazing.. Truely amazing. My mom is taking the girls in your place this summer. I know you wanted that but it just didnt. I wish it had. Something that could have never been taken away from them. But they have amazing grandparents they wont fill your place but it will help. Justine is even potty trained. :-) That was an amazing feeling to not have to buy pull ups again. Been about 2 months now. So here we are 3 months later... Still missing you and thinking of you daily. The dreams Ive had went like this.. the first one I had, we were at a wedding, i was a bridesmaid and you didnt recognize Justine and I that caused a huge breakdown for me. I balled. Then woke up... Dont know whos wedding it was, since they never came out... The next one i had was much more peaceful. You and i were at your house going thru some things, found some things u had gottin for the kids and didnt get to send. I started balling and you hugged me sooo hard.. Felt good to feel you around me. Shirl Ill never forget your hugs. And everytime I hug Brad Im hugging you. You taught him how to give great hugs :-). Ill always have a piece of you in my life. But I still miss you. I hope your enjoying yourself with my gramma making tons of quilts. And playing cards. I love you soooooo very much shirl. Always and Forever.

Its been nearly a month

It will be a month tomorrow since God wrapped his arms around you and took you to be pain free, and cancer free. It has gottin easier day to day but there are moments that catch me off guard. Its hard to think that I wont ever again call and talk to you on the telephone. I havent taken your number out of my phone yet... Just cant do it. Everyday I wish you could be here in our house enjoying the grandkids like you have wanted for years. I have alot of questions that may never ever have answers. I miss you everyday. Brad is doing ok. But he too has moments that catch him off guard. Its hard to know that you wont ever call your mom with big news. We havent had to much big news recently but that first time will be hard. Justine is pretty much potty trained. :-) We are all very excited for the nicer weather so we can get outside and enjoy it in OUR yard and walk to the park that is close by. Cant wait to make the yard ours. I wish i could call you to talk about the yard or sewing. Or the kids. :-( I miss you alot. I hope that you are having the time of your life and making lots of quilts with my gramma. You two would have been the best of friends if u had ever gottin to meet. Love you shirl.

Grief

Grief comes in many different shapes and sizes. It comes in many different ways. There could be anger, tears, happiness, withdrawal or throwing oneself into work. Anyone you see everyday on the street could be grieving a loss. We have recently endured a loss. My husbands mom passed away a week ago last night. These past 3 weeks have been some of my worst. I'm grateful I got to say my goodbyes and I got to spend some quality time with her. Explaining this situation to my girls has been extremely hard. They know as much as they can. But what they understand no one really knows. They don't understand that my and my husbands hearts are hurting. Everyone says time heals all wounds but this is a different kind of wound. It runs deep. It physically hurts. She passed away after a 2 and a half year battle off and on with cancer. The same brutal cancer. In January she was told the cancer wasn't responding to the chemo. Mid February she was told the cancer had spread to her spine. Within days of this news she was near her family and was gone less than 3 weeks later. 3 weeks. 3 weeks ill never forget but also sooo glad I had. As traumatic as they were, I cant ask for more. I got that one more visit and I got that one last goodbye, somethings some people don't get. She went down hill so fast and before our eyes it was unbelievably unfair. That's how I describe a lost battle with cancer. Unfair. There aren't any other words. Sure its hard, sometimes impossible to beat. But it is unfair. It makes the person hurt, makes them not mentally there. It hurts the families. And in the end it takes that person away from a life they didn't get to finish living. Everyone says God has a plan. But this plan was not fair. He took a great woman from the lives of her children, and her grandchildren she barely got to see grow up. I know shes watching over us, and she is in a better place. Not suffering anymore. But my heart is screaming that its not fair. Kinda like my almost 6 year old screams when she doesn't get her way. This is whats unfair. Not her not getting her way. If she only knew the magnitude of how unfair it is. I miss Shirl. Deeply. It hurts so much. My kids lost a Grammy. I lost a as close to a mom as she could be without being my mom and a friend. My husband lost his mom. Ive never cried so much in my life. Ive never hurt so much either. I cant imagine how my husband feels. I know hes hurting. We hurt together. Id like to think this will bring us closer instead of draw us apart. I couldn't go through this without him. I hope he feels the same about me. RIP Shirl... We miss you.

Breaking Heart

My heart is breaking. I can feel it. Its a crushing pain. It brings me to tears at the oddest moments. When im alone in the car, when im in an aisle in CVS, when im taking a bath to wash away the day. When Im desperately looking for a stamp to put on my last card to my friend. My MIL. My other mother. My girls grammy. I am very fortunate to have a MIL who cares so very much for us. Shes had a long road to hoe. Her life has been full of heartache and disappointment. And now she is at her end. Or will be soon. The cancer is ravaging her body. Shes in a great deal of pain. Her spirits are good but her body is aching. Im sure her heart is breaking as much as anyones, but shes much stronger. MUCH much stronger. She isnt a blubbering mess when talking to us. I cant stop crying. Ill admit this is my darkest time ever. I dont know how to tell my girls that grammy is very very sick and she will die. It will be weeks or a few months but she will die. I wish it was longer than a few months but the reality is, it isnt. My husband knows whats coming. But I dont think he knows the amount of heartache he will feel when it does happen. I also dont think he expected me to be so crushed at losing HIS mother. I will miss talking to her on the phone. Ill miss her beautiful home to go visit and see her love on my girls like there isnt a care in the world. Ill whole heartedly miss her. The coming weeks and possibly months will be hard. Hardest my husband and I have ever endured together. This will be our test. Test of how strong our relationship is. Will we come out on the other side stronger? No one really knows. We can hope. We can believe we will do everything we can to be there for eachother and for our babies. But the truth of it is, Im overwhelmed with grief. Nothing has happend except a prognosis of 2-4 months. Im hoping my grief will subside enough for me to take care of my family during this time. I hope that we come out on the other side stronger. I hope that my girls will remember what they can of grammy. But the truth of that is they probably will "forget" her before they are adults. Justine wont remember her for sure. Kaytlyn will have faint memories. That kills me. Ill be eternally grateful Shirl accepted me into her baby boys life and pushed us to be better as a couple. I hope to find some strength during this time and keep on trucking. She needs that. Love you Shirl.

Holidays

Holidays are great. Great if you have a big rambuctious family. Great if you have a great time and get together with your many friends and family. But what if you have some family who doesnt want to get together with family? I always pictured me with my kids and there many cousins and uncles and aunts all under one roof for holidays like Thanksgiving. But not this year. My daughter came up to me the other day and asked if she would see her cousins on thanksgiving. I wasnt willing to lie to her. I said "no hunny you wont" she asked why.. " because there parents arent talking to anyone" i said to her. She left it alone. But all day while I watched her interact with her grandparents and her sister I could see the confusion in her little blue eyes. Her cousins have always been a part of the family get togethers that we have. This broke my heart as much as hers. These are my nephews and niece that i dont get to see nearly enough. But to not see them on this very important day in our family was heartbreaking to say the least. I cried internally all the way home last night. with a few tears shed on my face in the darkness. It will probably be the same way at christmas. I always pictured my kids having a ton of cousins and our family would grow every year. But this year it grew but not in the way id like. It grew apart. My husbands family isnt close. To me that is unimaginable. I dont get how familys dont talk to eachother on a regular basis. It kills me to not talk to my brother. But its what he wants. I remember thanksgivings almost always being at our house. gramma would come and all 5 of her sisters at one time came. It was CRAZY! but i wouldnt have it any other way. Next year Im determined to host thanksgiving dinner. DETERMINED! Everyone we know will be invited. If they can or want to make it they are more than welcome. We will eat till our pants are to tight and we will play games and laugh till we hurt. It will be CRAZY. we will probably have mishaps with the turkey, or pies... or anything else that could possibly go wrong will. Because thats how I remember thanksgivings at our home. I have so many memories of when gramma would come to stay on thanksgiving. Or even when she didnt. One year my mom made pies. LOTS of pies... We had a shed and she put them out there over night because well here in Nebraska its like a freezer around thanksgiving time. Well there were also mice in that shed that we didnt know about... They had an awesome thanksgiving dinner. or should i say desert? Then another year my gramma and all of her sisters came up at once. They are women from arkansas. Big arkansas women who LOVE to cook. during the cooking in our extremely tiny kitchen a pipe under the sink got knocked loose. Water was gushing into the basement from the kitchen sink that was running nonstop. Then the toilet... who doesnt have a toilet story? well we had one on the basement bathroom.. non working... one of the aunts went to the bathroom on that pot... off the hole... yea that was funny.... GREAT memories. I want my kids to have great memories of there familys getting together once a year. twice is great but once is perfect. I hope that we get to create great memories for my kids.