Struggling

I need girl friends... I was always the one that said "I dont need girl friends.. Ill never need girl friends, making friends is to hard so I just wont do it" I still dont really honestly think that i NEED girl friends... I cry to my husband because I dont have anyone to hang out with for girl time. I only fully trust a few of my friends enough to really enjoy the girl time. I wish some of my friends were closer.. we would have a blast! It would be nice to have some girls I can get together with couple times a month and have drinks and tacos or chinese or whatever.. I have one that i get together with MAYBE every couple of months if im lucky and our schedules, paydays allow it. Shes getting ready to have her first baby. While im extatic for her, Im frustrated that Im just starting to get alittle bit of my life back with Kaytlyn going onto school and then my best friend of 15 years is having her first and I probably wont see her that much and well the baby stage just isnt my favorite...Im awkward with babies. Sure they are cute and all but they puke, they cry, they poop sometimes very explosively. My baby days are over. I have a toddler and a kindergartener with no future plans for any more. It will be a year before that baby can do anything with my toddler.. and by then she will be in preschool...We didnt plan this baby plan very well did we? I really want to be there for her because i KNOW from first hand experience that you lose friends when you have a baby and those first few months can be very very isolating. Especially if she stays home with the baby as she plans.. Im talking about going back to work and shes talking about staying home. .. and who is gonna be a stay at home mom with her.. um no one stayed home with me? Ive had 3 years purely of my kids. Few phone calls to my mom with the occasional play date with a ADULT and there child of course... then there is my online play where i talk to people just to feel connected and grown up.. but that is very rapidly becoming not enough. Im not much for people. In fact i really dislike people in general. I like to work though. I love to work. I like it even better the fewer people I have to interact with. Dont ask how i made waiting tables a job i kept for years cuz i have no idea how i did it and was good at it. But my spirit is broken with that profession. I dont see me ever being able to do it again. One person destroyed me. One. And id endured years of the abuse but one person destroyed it. I wont ever be able to mentally take that abuse. Staying home just doesnt seem to be working for me anymore. Ive always liked to work and worked as soon as i was legally able. Then i started a family and it all changed. So im struggling. Yet again. With who I am and who I want to be. Sure Im a mom and a wife and a daughter and a sister... But what else is there. Id absolutely love to jump at the opportunity to go to school. But i have no idea what for. I have lots of dreams but nothing im passionate about. Except working. Im at a point in my life thought that I am very picky on the type of work Im willing to do. It has to be worth it to me. I have to completely if not mostly LOVE it. It has to be worth my time away from my kids. But no job will ever be worth that. Time with my kids has no monetary value. It has alot of potential to be an awesome experience. I want my kids to enjoy being a kid. Kaytlyn regularly tells me she wants to be a grown up because being a kid isnt fun... What am i doing wrong? Not enough extra curriculars? they are expensive. We cant afford them both to be in something and I dont think its fair to put one in something and tell the other she cant because we cant afford it. So they both go without. While I think of a way to make it doable. My 5 year old should be enjoying life as a kid she shouldnt be wishing her childhood away. these are my current struggles. Struggles of the heart.

Hug Your Children

As I follow a blog of a little girl that is struggling with a bowel transplant rejection I look at my beautiful perfectly healthy little active girls and I thank God. It really puts things into perspective when the little things are just annoyances and it could be so much worse. The little girl is about to turn 5 and she gets to spend it heavily medicated to keep her out of pain. And probably in the hospital. Her family is from texas but they are here in Omaha recieving the best possible care for her. It breaks my heart to read the daily hardships her and her family are facing. Please pray for Ashley Adams. And hug your children you never know when God is going to take them home with him.