Ignorance was bliss..

Ignorance really was bliss.. I cant even think about anything else! Alls i want is to help her! Thing is she hasnt changed, shes still the same little girl we always had. Ive never ever questioned my motives so much when it comes to raising her. I really wish that certain someone would have just not said anything.. It was just much easier to just seek help on how to deal with her behavior than to wonder about everything she has ever done or will do that has autism tendencies.. I cant get a straight answer with the school system.. they want the wait and see approach which isnt what i want! I want results I want to know NOW! Im over filled with guilt that I never noticed sooner. I cant even sleep. It makes me on the verge of losing it when it hits me that she does something she has always done that is in the characteristics of Aspergers... I feel myself closing in on myself.. slowly shutting everyone out. Which is how i deal with stressful stuff. I just get so tired of defending my position as her mother! I do know best and as much as everyone says that i dont think they really honestly believe it! I think its one of those tactics people use to make you feel adequate and ok with whatever decision you make.. when really they dont really feel that way. Why do people have to lead you on that way? Then later on come out and tell you things they have noticed all along. UGH! I wish i could go back 2 weeks...

We had our first fight...

Well my husband and I had our first fight about weather or not Kaytlyn has Aspergers.. Ive become pretty obsessed with trying to find as much information as I possibly can about the disorder, the treatments available, etc and he hasnt shown any intrest in even the possibility. I cant stand that.. he thinks that mental illnesses and shrinks are totally the devil or something. He has the thought process of "how did everyone survive before us with all of these syndromes" which is all well and good for himself. But not for our child. Its not about surviving really its about understanding. Understanding her needs that later on we will know more about. he has this image of a shrink brain washing her which yea im sure it happens but we will do everything possible to not let that happen.. I have had very good psychatrists luckily so im not as anti shrink that he is. Anyway we had a fight because I want to pursue this and he doesnt. And his reasons are because "his step mom as evil as she is put him in counseling as a kid because it was his fault she was crazy" well im sorry but that is not my reasoning for wanting to look into this more. I simply want to understand her needs better, give her a better life and learn about her more. i dont want to brain wash her to think she is disabled in any way because she is not. She will just be high needs is all which is nothing new to us. There will jsut be a reason for it and alot of resources to help us with helping her. She didnt come with a manual like all kids and she definately didnt come with an aspergers manual either. So we will be pursuing a evaluation who knows how long it will take and hopefully our insurance will help cover it.. Those are issues that we will just have to look into as we go. Its really hard to fatham the thought of not getting her the resources simply because we cant afford it. I just cant allow that.. we may go into debt because of it but i cant allow the resources to be passed up because we cant afford it. I am willing to do whatever it takes and I didnt realize how true that was till we had a fight.. I hope he jumps on this ride soon or it will just push us further away..

My Feelings...

I dont know where to begin on how I feel about Kaytlyn possibly having Aspergers. Im pretty angry with certain persons for stating the obvious and at others for not. Im lost as to how to go about getting her evaluated obviously it needs to be done so we can get her the therapy etc that she will need. Im upset that I probably have it as well and I passed it to her. Im upset that my life could have turned out differant had I known sooner or my parents knew sooner and could of gottin me help. There are alot of what ifs... what if id gottin some social therapy and learned social skills that i would need later on in life.. what if id gottin help so i didnt have to struggle so much with school... what if id been understood and had someone in my corner who could say "hey i understand and i want to help you" instead i had parents and teachers who thought i was just stubborn and i just needed to study harder.. but no matter how hard i studied i didnt get it! I didnt know why but i didnt get it! I could read the material but it wasnt sticking. I couldnt comprehend till well into my adult years.. but i could read. And of course they grade ur reading level by how u comprehend. which was very low for me. Even in a special reading class all through school till i was at a satisfactory level of 9th grade level i still wasnt getting it! I always knew something was differant at how i learned things. I always did better in math. I still cant pass an english class for the life of me! I comprehend much better than i ever use to which isnt uncommon with individuals with aspergers.. there brains just finally mature! Ill always have issues with social situations.. social skills are learned very young and if they arnt they never are.. how sad is that? that means the few friends i have i should hang on to lol i dunno what it means but its always going to be hard for me to make new friends. I know that have always known that. I dont want that for Kaytlyn. I want her to be accepted by her peers.. i dont want her to struggle in school. i want her to know that its ok to ask for help if you need it.. i want her to know its ok to not understand something and to have it repeated till you do understand. and that is NOT ok for someone to make fun of you because you dont get it! I want so badly to surround ourselves with people in our situations but that is one of my phobias.. new people! Im hoping that me discovering this about myself as well as her that we can get help together and maybe i can overcome some of my phobias that deal with social settings. Im very scared. Im very worried. Im very much a mother but not an overprotective one by any means. Im scared that when we bring this up to her dr that they would just see it as an overprotective mother who wants to find something wrong with there child.. But really i just want to find out that its all average behavior! But i know that isnt the case. I know in my heart that my little girl probably wont ever play sports or enjoy the company of her peers or enjoy competitive activities... much like myself..

Our Journey

Our Journey with Kaytlyn started June 15th, 2005. Kaytlyn was always a happy baby or appeared that way. She was content most of the time and wasnt to eager to get around. She was soothed by the ceiling fan, but what baby isnt right? She rarely cried even when she was teething. The only way we knew she was teething is she would get a diaper rash. She was a relativly easy baby. Never had seperation problems and always slept good. She liked a routine and if it got bent out of shape you had to watch out. Hit her milestones within the ranges. She talked early and well by the time she was 2. She knew her colors and shapes by the time she was 2. Was fasinated with learning new things and loved big words. She was such an easy toddler too. Never had tantrums and was well behaved. She was a sensitive girl. She didnt like the sounds of airplanes or the vaccum or lawnmowers. Basically anything we encounter on a regular basis that was loud. Which was ok. We just kept her away from loud things like the circus for example. She didnt do well with lots of people but generally she was social and talked to anyone and everyone with no fears. The only thing we had a true difficulty with was she wouldnt potty train. We really thought she was just very strong willed and just kept fighting the fight. She eventually potty trained right before she turned 3 and hasnt looked back. She didnt even regress even alittle bit after her sister was born. We totally expected it since she trained so close to her sister being born. She started having meltdowns and tantrums. Again we just thought it was a kid thing. Alot of her "quirks" we thought were just kid things.. Then recently someone said to us "well maybe shes autistic". Right away i start looking up as much information as I could possibly find. I was pretty naieve in the autism department mostly because i chose to be i guess. I was a firm believer that it was just over diagnosed for anyone with any kind of problem. Then the information started describing things that Kaytlyn has ALWAYS done. Shes very very smart. She talked early. Someone on the outside may just see a little girl who is just bratty. But I think our journey with aspergers syndrom began long before we knew about it. Kaytlyn is normal for the most part. We actually thought she was alittle gifted. Specially since she talked early and could understand alot of big words and used them correctly by the time she was two. She is in preschool and is very social to my knowledge anyway. The teachers have no problems with her. But at home everything is a constant fight. She has outburts she meltsdown easily and has tantrums. Shes sensitive to food and textures. She gets over stimulated very easily and that causes her to melt down. Looking at her you wouldnt see a Autistic child. Mainly because she responds to everyone around her. well until you see her at home. We have decided were not going to get her evaluated simply for her to have a label. If she starts having problems in school then we will. But until then she is perfectly fine and we can learn to understand her better. She isnt behind in any of her development except for some motor skills. Like riding a bike. Which is mainly because we have no place for her to ride a bike to learn and practice so that will probably come with time. We feel that the child we have is the one we have always had. We have just adjusted our settings around her. We dont take her to loud full of people places. And her sensitivity to sounds we just deal with. Not much u can do about an airplane flying over or the lawn people mowing. Her eating habits we are gonna have to learn to deal with and not fight with her anymore. We just need to learn to understand her is all. She isnt a truely bad child she only has a meltdown if she is overstimulated or her routine is bent out of shape. I dont know how to tell our close friends and family to learn alittle about aspergers to better understand our little Kaytlyn and that bothers me. I dont want her to misunderstood by people she sees regularly. Thanks for reading i just needed to get some of this off my chest.